Thursday, March 3, 2011

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

you moved? me too!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Thursday, January 27, 2011

If Your Really Knew Me

If you really knew me, you'd know:
- I have been acting out of character for a week
- I have been ignoring my phone, this blog and my journal
- That I am really obsessed with the bitch rappers this time around
- I am giving up the project boyfriend I was so desperate to save
- I still laugh, really hard, several times a day
- That I am thankful for my friends. Their words of encouragement, support and moreover, their ability to respect my decisions and not try to impose themselves into my affairs.
- I am loving the weather lately, and am thinking of planning an end of winter escape
-That this isn't the last you have heard of me, I will return to planet earth after I learn to act civilized.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Nicki's rap in monster

Turn up in the water
Courtney love’s daughter
With a bad tan that came from a botta
Jersey shore’s princess, crumble like ciabatta
You could have your crown bitch but watch this Queen conquer

Ok first things first I’ll jack my rack
Then I’mma start taking men from the back
Cause that’s what a muthafucking hooker do
Rail Runnin’ in the club, thats what cokewhore do
A seven inch stiletto,that’s the prostitute’s shoe
Now you’re on the roster you and you’re crew
And I’m all up all up all up in your face the cock breath stank
And if I’m real I aint notice cause my body aint
So let me get this straight wait I’m the rookie
But my best features and my guns be ten times your pay
Over 3 k each yea i’ll flash them out
Yeah my tittie’s so big that a hiker’s gotta climb it
I’m damper than a Eurpoean climate, i’ll find it
Stroke it, suck it fondle tease and dine it
Add your tip to my slip before your sign it
It’s funny that head office be so one-track minded
But really really we don’t give a F-U-C-K
Forget chinooki fuck stripper barbie she’s fake
She’s on a diet but real girls be eating cheese cake
And obviously taking 3 guys ballsdeep is Child’s play
Just swallowed several loads it’s a mild day
Besides ‘hey they just end up inside me
I think me, you and lance should menage friday
Fake tan fake hair give em whip lash
I flash tit flash gash make em leave cash
Now look at what you just saw this is what men go for
Aaahhhh, I’m an over-rated cokewhore!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Another sleepless night, it seems I have had my share of them lately. 2011... A fresh start, a second chance and another year to discover more and more about myself and the people in my life. The closer I get to my true self the more confident I feel about things to come. I have been doing a lot of reading lately, and am starting to wonder what caused me to abandon that hobby for so long.

I laid in bed for an hour tonight, tossing and turning. I must have fallen asleep for only minutes before the usual onset of nightmares began. This time, he was there again. He, who shall remain nameless as he remains faceless in the slumber ending hauntings. I woke up nervous and sweating. The nightmares have become a staple over the past few months, and I have recently started to ponder if there is a message I am missing.

Over a cup of chamomile tea I vascilated; ever fixated on the art of the possible.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

An over due letter.

Behind the curtain it's different. It's obvious to the rest of us; you feel undeserving of all the attention you get-and still, you continue to perform for it. You'd think after all of these years, all of the characters you've become, you would have realized your real disadvantage. Not only your willingness, but your obsession to 'give'. That is not to suggest that you haven't been accused of expecting much in return... Love. And a lot of it.

Seems to me there is no point in resisting, years of smoke and mirrors and distracting have added up. Trying to protect yourself by behaving one way or another ran wild. Though a man with a large vocabulary, vast knowledge of trends and pop culture and a cut throat, witty quip slinging demeanor- emotionally, you are still a terrified teenager, not even much more than a child.

How annoying that you don't get always get your way? How disturbing that all of your methods of persuasion don't always pay off? How discredited and unsexy you can feel based on the opinion or review of another?

Once in a while someone will ask "did he really just say that?"... we both know the answer... 'of course.' Your ability to come up with something to say could only be rivaled by stand up comedians, but when it comes down to how you truly feel, that's off limits. You will gladly write about your crazy nights on the town, what's grinding your gears at that moment in time and how you feel horrible about the end of something in your life. But when you are really down for the count, all you can do is apologize. "Sorry I am late, sorry I didn't make it today, sorry I missed your call". Sorry you spent the day between laying in bed covering your eyes and stumbling back and forth to fill your water glass?

After a medical attention appropriate anxiety attack several days ago, you might start to investigate your options for escape. Just as a country encouraged to separate state and church, personally you must separate yourself from 'the show', and find a creative outlet a bit smaller than the lives of people around you and yourself.

What if everyone knew about the dozens of sleepless nights, waiting for a responding text message to cuddle up to? Springing from bed making sure the Britta had been refilled, the garbage was emptied, your ipod was charging, your work clothes were laid out on the couch, the patio door is secured, all of the dishes are hidden, the ashtray is empty, the plants have been watered, ensuring the guest bathroom is fully stocked, the humidifier is full... and that's just the shit you think about while trying to ignore the real issues. One day after completing all of the tasks, hoping you would be able to finally fall asleep, you fainted. lucky this time that you only hurt your nose and bled for a while. Lucky you weren't unconscious for longer, hopeful that it isn't too late to deal with an anxiety disorder.

They are gonna offer you advice, medication and suggestions on what to 'let go' of. You might learn to forgive not only the people in your midst that have hurt you, but yourself for not only allowing it, but encouraging it. You don''t always rush in with elaborately planned encounters full of candlelight, romantic dinners and designed moments of intimacy. Yet, here you go again. Once more accused of putting someone so undeserving ahead of yourself. Take a look at what's happened on account of your inventions, creations and productions. Take a look in the mirror, wonder why look so tired? Do you ever wonder why you seize up the moment you allow yourself to slip into a memory? Ever asked yourself if you have not only given enough, but your all in vain? Step back,'re starting to fade.

Ps. You'll never save someone else if you haven't saved yourself. If someone doesn't believe in happily ever after, they won't see it with you. Your audience still awaits, are you afraid you will only disappoint them?

PPS, your work clothes are ironed and waiting for your Christmas Eve day shift.