Behind the curtain it's different. It's obvious to the rest of us; you feel undeserving of all the attention you get-and still, you continue to perform for it. You'd think after all of these years, all of the characters you've become, you would have realized your real disadvantage. Not only your willingness, but your obsession to 'give'. That is not to suggest that you haven't been accused of expecting much in return... Love. And a lot of it.
Seems to me there is no point in resisting, years of smoke and mirrors and distracting have added up. Trying to protect yourself by behaving one way or another ran wild. Though a man with a large vocabulary, vast knowledge of trends and pop culture and a cut throat, witty quip slinging demeanor- emotionally, you are still a terrified teenager, not even much more than a child.
How annoying that you don't get always get your way? How disturbing that all of your methods of persuasion don't always pay off? How discredited and unsexy you can feel based on the opinion or review of another?
Once in a while someone will ask "did he really just say that?"... we both know the answer... 'of course.' Your ability to come up with something to say could only be rivaled by stand up comedians, but when it comes down to how you truly feel, that's off limits. You will gladly write about your crazy nights on the town, what's grinding your gears at that moment in time and how you feel horrible about the end of something in your life. But when you are really down for the count, all you can do is apologize. "Sorry I am late, sorry I didn't make it today, sorry I missed your call". Sorry you spent the day between laying in bed covering your eyes and stumbling back and forth to fill your water glass?
After a medical attention appropriate anxiety attack several days ago, you might start to investigate your options for escape. Just as a country encouraged to separate state and church, personally you must separate yourself from 'the show', and find a creative outlet a bit smaller than the lives of people around you and yourself.
What if everyone knew about the dozens of sleepless nights, waiting for a responding text message to cuddle up to? Springing from bed making sure the Britta had been refilled, the garbage was emptied, your ipod was charging, your work clothes were laid out on the couch, the patio door is secured, all of the dishes are hidden, the ashtray is empty, the plants have been watered, ensuring the guest bathroom is fully stocked, the humidifier is full... and that's just the shit you think about while trying to ignore the real issues. One day after completing all of the tasks, hoping you would be able to finally fall asleep, you fainted. lucky this time that you only hurt your nose and bled for a while. Lucky you weren't unconscious for longer, hopeful that it isn't too late to deal with an anxiety disorder.
They are gonna offer you advice, medication and suggestions on what to 'let go' of. You might learn to forgive not only the people in your midst that have hurt you, but yourself for not only allowing it, but encouraging it. You don''t always rush in with elaborately planned encounters full of candlelight, romantic dinners and designed moments of intimacy. Yet, here you go again. Once more accused of putting someone so undeserving ahead of yourself. Take a look at what's happened on account of your inventions, creations and productions. Take a look in the mirror, wonder why look so tired? Do you ever wonder why you seize up the moment you allow yourself to slip into a memory? Ever asked yourself if you have not only given enough, but your all in vain? Step back, superstar...you're starting to fade.
Ps. You'll never save someone else if you haven't saved yourself. If someone doesn't believe in happily ever after, they won't see it with you. Your audience still awaits, are you afraid you will only disappoint them?
PPS, your work clothes are ironed and waiting for your Christmas Eve day shift.
2 comments:
Sigh. Yes, this is one of your higher ranked blog entries. As with many of the blog entries that I most enjoy this one is filled with a sincerity and honesty that connects not only yourself with something deeper but also your reader, currently me. Your second paragraph cuts deep, and even while I knew you were not talking about me there was a brief sense of panic when that inner child within me cried out not to be exposed and/or hurt. I was sitting on the couch just last week, fighting back tears, in a deep conversation, when my friend looked at me and said, "Right now I look at you and you look like a little boy, a hurt and scared boy." She was very much correct, and as I can read from your blog I am not the only one. I also doubt that we are the only two that feel like quite often we live with smoke and mirrors, avoiding the hurt child within us. And maybe it is arrogant, or a justification to make myself feel better, but I think being and becoming so aware of this child within brings to light the beauty that comes from weakness. Thank you for writing this Ryan. I think you need to expand and write more on this, especially on the concepts and emotion that is evoked in your second paragraph.
I loved this letter Ryan. Thank you for sharing. And for all the hiding you do of your inner self, know that I've always seen past it. Know that I've always loved you for what no one else could see. We all put up walls in this big major production.
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