The Flip Side

Feels like I have finally landed, solidly... after a very turbulent travel through time.
The summer was spent bouncing irresponsibly from self-indulgent to self-destructive. And the tippy train wreck has seemingly been avoided. I was really terrified about answering the phone, opening the door, cracking a window and experiencing the many flashbacks awaiting therein. I hid away from how I was actually feeling with the usual crutches- it stopped working. I denied myself in order to make someone else happy- it didn't feel right. I took for granted the things that actually matter- and luckily realized before it was too late. I spent an obscene amount of hours working for a corporation that I knew lacked integrity, responsibility and compassion- only for the money. I forgave everyone that I was harboring grudges for- but not myself. I forgot how to trust, how to love and in the process fooled myself in and out of several illusions.

Tonight, a friend asked what the deal breaker in a relationship was to me, and I didn't have to consider my response.
"Respect," I said, explaining that to me that encompassed trust, honesty and compassion.

I spent so many days feeling nothing aside from slighted and resentment. I was full of the feeling of nothing, a strange and marvelous degree above rock bottom was looking me right in the face. I was so worried about the wrong things, and it is about time that I woke up. There is an abounding amount of 'catching up' hovering around me. I tried so hard to learn how to look at myself objectively, but forgot to honour the importance of expanding my soul. It became clear to me that I was impossible to head in any direction, good or bad, while on a treadmill.
I placed the blame on merlot, cabernet, shiraz, pinot noir and the most confused person I have ever met.

After a few terrifyingly real dreams; the kind most would label nightmares, I knew things had to change. I lookedk at everything around me, and made a vow to bare in mind that I too was worth just as much as the one's I raised onto soapboxes. I am happy to have finally put an end to my very own 'dark era'.
It's so fucked up, the way some of us can discount ourselves enough to repeat history's mistakes, over and over until the pattern explodes off into some kaleidoscopic twilight zone.
It took a little while to catch on to my gut instinct. I had seemingly turned my radio dial to all of the wrong stations; inviting all of the wrong satellites to bounce signals into my once fortified galaxy.
The thrill of the rollercoaster is nearly lost when you can't tell if you're going up or coming down, so I have started several new projects, ones that will advance and encourage my growth-and love ain't far behind.