take me to the bank.

I have been rushing around investing time, money and faith in all the wrong things. There was a few warning signs all the while, I would plead ignorance but I knew. I am preparing my next tour of south western Ontario, it has been over a year since I revisited the "prettiest town in Canada."

I wonder how my friends are doing? I wonder what nana looks like; she is aging so quickly. I am really hoping that mr. Hollywood has found his way home by the time I get to his hometown, by motorcar or train. This entire trip feels so last minute. Tonight steak palace proved to be quite entertaining, aside from the fact that someone complained about my body language. I am trying to figure how much control we have over that kind of thing. I know that my facial expressions are always a representation of whatever random thought is running through my mind. I also know that I am rarely 'in the moment', years ahead or behind the true fact of what is.

There was a dark period of time leading up to the birthday party. In it, I was capable of discounting how I felt, pining over the inconsiderate, and feeling alone in a crowded room. During the party it became apparent that I had to boil it down to people that make me feel good. There was no sense in a lot of the shit I have been allowing, participating in and in some cases encouraging.

I met smother's pseudo minion tonight and found him to be quite entertaining. I was only alarmed by his knowledge of a certain friend. It felt like I was standing still as the restaurant filled around me, I tried to snap out of the daze of protecting the friend and it was too late. My section had doubled in size and was miles away from the kitchen and service bar. I resorted to survival mode, and in no doubt seemed unusual. It is a little frightening that I am so capable of recoiling.

I have no other option but to admit that I am exhauted, in way over my head, head over feet and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Time to reinvest.